


Live Forever III: Still Alive

by TaMeaut



Series: Live Forever [3]
Category: Sungkyunkwan Scandal
Genre: Depression, Fluff, M/M, Romance, nibbles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-13
Updated: 2012-04-13
Packaged: 2017-11-03 13:57:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/382081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaMeaut/pseuds/TaMeaut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the only purpose you have found for your life is refused and the love you have can never be spoken, what will you do? Does a life like that mean only despair or can just being alive mean hope, hope that maybe someday something will change?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Live Forever III: Still Alive

**Title** : Live Forever III: Still Alive  
 **Series** : Sungkyunkwan Scandal  
 **Soundtrack** : Still Alive – Lisa Miskovsky  
 **Spoilers** : -  
 **Time frame** : -  
 **Summary** : What if the only purpose you have found for your life is refused and the love you have can never be spoken, what will you do? Does a life like that mean only despair or can just being alive mean hope, hope that maybe someday something will change?  
 **Excerpt** : “ _Jae Shin's words were meant to be light and affectionate but they only emphasised the loneliness Yong Ha felt. How could he ever tell this man what was in his heart knowing the implications and the pain that would follow?_ ”  
 **Pairings** : Moon Jae Shin/Gu Yong Ha  
 **Word count** : ~7000  
 **Rating** : M (slight depression, fluff, romance, nibbles)  
 **Warning** :  
 **Other** : This is the epilogue for “Live Forever” and “Live Forever II: One“, which is practically just a sad excuse to have nibbles*  
 **Thanks** :

 _* smooching and touching...._  
_______________________________________________________________________________________

” _No shadows  
Just red lights  
Now I'm here to rescue you_

 _Oh I'm still alive  
I'm still alive  
I can't apologise, no_ “

 

His shoulder still ached when it rained. It probably always would.

He took another sip from the brimful cup and let his eyes trace the small droplets of rain hitting his hand, running down his arm and wetting the sleeve. He withdrew the arm and made a small grimace as the flash of pain made its way through his scar down the inside of his skin. Yet he invited it with a small smile. The pain served as a reminder to him of what he had willingly offered under another rain, a rain of stars, and how his offer had been refused. Refused, denied, rejected, for he was still alive and nothing, nothing had changed.

Except maybe him.

Yong Ha sighed. It felt like so long ago yet it had only been half a year. Half a year of slow recovery, half a year of painful reflecting, half a year of tedious breathing in and out.

Somehow he was disappointed. To be alive was not as fun anymore. Now, everything seemed to be covered with a grey veil of mist, a wet blanket dampening all colour and motion. Company bored him, food was bland and wine turned to ash in his mouth. If it would be like this then he could just as well have died, giving his life for something worth while instead of just existing as this miserable creature, drinking alone in the rain in an abandoned rundown pavilion next to an empty lake.

In the moment the arrow had hit him he had been so sure, so correct in his judgement. Like the curtains of the world had withdrawn just for him and shown him a purpose, his purpose. Something only he could give. Something he would finally be able to show openly despite the great confines of this society and its mediocre desires. It had given him a chance to show Jae Shin how much he really loved him, how much Gu Yong Ha was willing to give him, despite the fact that he wasn't allowed to have these feelings. Yet, it had been denied and now here he was, back inside a cage of conservatism to live out his life as others saw fit, pretending to be someone he wasn't, faking friendship with the only man he had ever loved, always would love, and never could have.  
And sooner or later that man would marry, have children and move on in his life, leaving Gu Yong Ha and his denied love far behind in this grey mist. Was this really a life? Was this how he would live the rest of his miserable existence?

It wasn't as if he hadn't thought about it before but back then it had felt like a worry for the future, something that could be dealt with much later, to a satisfying degree. Not anymore. His consorting with death had marked a point of no return for Gu Yong Ha and he couldn't go back. Not anymore. Oh, he had tried, tried to feign his usual smile, his usual walk, his usual life. Yet, the more he tried the more he seemed to have forgotten how to do it, as if it belonged in another life,someone else, so he had given up eve trying. Now, all that was left was him and the rain.

He looked out at the slow drizzle as if it could give him the answer he needed but the curtains of the world had again closed on him and nothing remained, just a dread feeling of loneliness and the ultimate fear that he wasn't needed by anyone. Maybe this was what Jae Shin had meant that night when he had sought death in the name of his brother? Maybe, sometimes, death has more flavour, more appeal, than life...

“Found you...” The low baritone he knew so well echoed softly in the wooden structure Yong Ha was no longer solely occupying. It was a voice he loved with all his heart and dreaded with a a cold sweat at the same time. Slowly, to gain his posture at this sudden intrusion, he turned around letting his eyes leave the rain and focus instead on the firm presence in the doorway demanding his attention.

“Goel Oh?” Yong Ha hadn't been prepared for this meeting and some of his disbelief was unusually leaking into his voice. I must be really drunk, Yong Ha thought in a random act of clearness. What was Jae Shin doing here, in the middle of nowhere? Now, close to midnight? And with that curious look on his face, as if he was afraid and relieved at the same time, his eyes intensely locked on Yong Ha as he kept breathing hard. Had he been running?

“You are hard to find.” Jae Shin moved in across the floor with the softness and sleekness of a tiger, and towered above Yong Ha, letting some raindrops fall on the wooden boards. As the gentle tinkling of those drops reached his ears, Yong Ha wished desperately that he could tear his eyes from Jae Shin's face but as usual it was quite impossible. Moon Jae Shin was just to addictive, to...succulent, to beautiful. Even tonight, being an unwelcome intrusion, he radiated a comfort Yong Ha wished he could seek and nestle in.  
“Can I sit?” and without waiting for a customary reply Jae Shin casually slumped down right next to Yong Ha, so close their clothes touched involuntary, and without further ceremony grabbed the wine bottle and downed probably half the flask before Yong Ha even had a chance to protest, then slamming it back down on the table as if he was malcontent with something. The sound startled Yong Ha out of his dumbfounded reverence of the man beside him but it removed none of the fascination.

Jae Shin had that fresh smell of night and rain, and breathing in slowly Yong Ha kept staring at his face, mesmerised, until Jae Shin turned towards him, drops of wine still clinging to his plump lips. Then Yong Ha abruptly looked away, he didn’t want Jae Shin to see what was in his eyes. Not now, not tonight. He was too vulnerable and tired of playing games. He wouldn't be able to hide the desire in his eyes and then Jae Shin would know. Jae Shin would know his secret and leave him forever.

Yet there was a small nagging thought in the back of his head. Words that had been haunting him ever since that day. Words that had never been there before or if they had they had never bothered him. Now with Jae Shin sitting so close to him the words seemed to take on an ever stronger meaning.

_If you cannot live honestly by the feelings you have, then what were you living for up until now?_

_...and what..._

_...what will you live for from now on?_

“Why are you here all alone? This isn't like you.” Jae Shin's words were probably meant to be light and affectionate but they only emphasised the loneliness Yong Ha felt. How could he ever tell this man what was in his heart knowing the implications and the pain that would follow? It was all to much and still looking away Yong Ha could feel his eyes filling with unshed tears.  
“or are you turning into me?”

“Ha, maybe I am...Goel Oh, maybe I am...” Yong Ha's reply lacked his usual playfulness and a sad smile formed automatically on his lips as he kept rolling the, now half empty, wine cup in his hand. Then, emptying it in one go and resisting the urge to turn his head, Yong Ha whispered into the rain something he had held in his heart for long time now. Words that couldn't stay inside anymore as the insignificance of his life and the hopelessness of the situation weighed on him.

“Maybe you were right...maybe it was I who didn't understand. **Is living like this a life at all?** ”

\---

The words seemed to hang in the air, like the moisture of the rain had caught them and now they lingered as a thin mist between them. It wasn't until Jae Shin recognised them that they finally meant something, and when the meaning came through something lurched in his stomach making him wish he hadn't gulped down so much wine at the same time.  
It was the very same words he had thrown in Yong Ha's face that night so long ago when Yong Ha had unwittingly shown him some of the love he had for him, trying to stop Jae Shin from obvious suicide trying to save his dead brother's honour. Now, it was for another reason but with the same deceptive meaning.  
It was a bitter reminder of how ruthlessly he had treated Yong Ha's feelings for so long and it made his heart ache. Or rather it made his heart ache more, for it was already constantly surrounded by a dense pulsing pain that hadn't left ever since he had found Yong Ha lying in a pool of blood in that alley.  
It was a mixture of newly discovered love and suffocating fear that one day, surely, Yong Ha would leave him, in one way or another. And it made his heart clench in a way that was now terrifyingly familiar to Jae Shin.

Jae Shin swore on the inside. He felt like such a coward. It had been half a year since he promised himself that he would tell Yong Ha about these new feelings he had discovered, yet he had done nothing. At first he had been so sure, so confident, telling himself that when Yong Ha was well he would tell him but then as time passed that assuredness had turned to common fear as he had realised what it really meant.  
The implication of this love had been too heavy on his mind, the knowledge of betraying the society and rules that he had cherished for so long and the family that he could now be proud of. So he had finally kept silent, burying the tenders sprouts of his love for Yong Ha deep inside, praying they would never emerge again. He thought he had done the right thing then but after half a year of lying to himself and Yong Ha he had finally come to the staggering conclusion that those sprouts of love had turned into saplings, which in turn was slowly turning into a solid tree. Jae Shin could no longer deny that he was in love with Yong Ha and he felt sick living like a coward.  
He thought that by doing this he had protected them both, just as he had wanted Sun Joon to lie to Yoon Shik about his father and thus protect him from the truth. At the time he couldn't understand why Sun Joon had refused but now, finally, he had understood. You cannot protect anyone by lying to them and yourself. That is not protection, but cowardice. Love built on lies is not love at all.  
Therefore he had decided, tonight he would tell Yong Ha exactly how he felt and curse the rest. Moon Jae Shin was fed up lying and hiding.

As soon as he had made the decision he had felt as if the entire world lit up and then he knew that this was the right thing. He had sprinted right out his room to find Yong Ha but ended up spending hours searching for him, since no one, unusually, knew where he was.

As he had run around to all the places Jae Shin thought Yong Ha could be at his heart had increased its beating until it was hammering so hard that he was out of breath and had to stop for a second. In a sheer moment of panic he relived that night when he had searched for Yong Ha and...found him. The remembrance sent a jolt of pain through him and he had to breath slowly and deliberately and convince himself that this was not that night and that Yong Ha was alive. Yet, as he had taken up his search after that there was an urgency in his mind that left him no peace until he had found Yong Ha in that pavilion, all alone.

For a moment he had just stood there in the drizzle, a flood of relief showering over him, looking at that figure that had become so important to him and he had noted the lack of life in Yong Ha's face, the slumping shoulders, the loneliness that seemed to permeate his entire behaviour. It hurt. It hurt because he realised he had never really noted it before, fooled like everyone else by Yong Ha's excellent acting. Jae Shin hurt because he knew that it was entirely his fault and that he could have done something about this a long time ago if it hadn't been for his blatant cowardice. Well, no more, Moon Jae Shin had finally gathered his wits and now there was no stopping him. And with that final thought he entered the small structure with the sole purpose of claiming what was his.

Now the only problem was just Yong Ha. Jae Shin knew something was ailing him, had been ever since his recovery, but he didn’t know what it was. All he knew was that Yong Ha had indirectly changed his behaviour towards Jae Shin, making Jae Shin unsure of Yong Ha's feelings. And tonight was no exception. Yong Ha's entire body language was rejecting Jae Shin and with a sigh Jae Shin knew this was going to be a rough fight, and that comment he had just made put a stamp of “extremely difficult” on the entire situation. Maybe he should drink some more before engaging in a battle that would change his life forever. And so he reached for the bottle once more.

Yong Ha must have had the same idea for just by chance they managed to reach for the wine bottle at the exact same time and as Jae Shin's warm hand enveloped Yong Ha's and their eyes met, time seemed to still for a moment, the raindrops hanging in the air. It lasted only a short insignificant moment until Yong Ha violently ripped his hand, and eyes, away dropping the bottle to the ground with at thunk, but Jae Shin was faster. As the wine spread over the floor remarkably similar to how Yong Ha's blood had pooled around him that time, Jae Shin had finally caught Yong Ha, holding his wrist in a bruisingly hard grip.

“Why do you shun me?” Jae shin wanted answers but as Yong Ha kept looking away, keeping his silence, Jae Shin focused on the wrist he had caught instead. It stood out stark white against his own darker fingers, just begging for a touch and Jae shin released some of his hard grip and instead let his thumb spread over the skin and down the palm of Yong Ha's hand, opening it up like the bud of a flower. He could see the pulse beating away underneath that thin skin and before he knew what he was doing he pressed his lips against it.

The choked sound Yong Ha let out as Jae Shin's plush lips pressed firmly against the sensitive skin on the wrist was in between astonishment, fear and a moan and he automatically whipped his head to stare at Jae Shin and his astonishing behaviour.  
Jae Shin, content that he finally had Yong Ha's gaze and slightly uncomfortable at his own outrageous behaviour, decided that if he had come this far he could just as well walk the rest of the path without looking back. So locking Yong Ha's wavering eyes with his own, he continued to trail small kisses into the palm of Yong Ha's hand and over the fingertips, content that Yong Ha seemed to shocked to do anything but stare with with those deep eyes and his mouth slightly open.

If there had been any residual doubts in Jae Shin at this time they all vanished as soon as Jae Shin had pressed his first kiss on that smooth skin, for it left him with no other sense than that he knew he was doing the right thing. For the first time in a very long time he felt as if he had been relieved of a heavy burden and it left him with the same sense of light-headedness as when you drink too much. It was making him almost giddy and the taste of Yong Ha's skin was making bonfires inside him.

Yong Ha's black eyes revealed nothing but Jae Shin could see his lips slightly quiver and the idea of tasting them filled his mind with cloying desire as his heart beat away. All his thoughts of explanations and fancy words were gone from his mind and just the nearness of Yong Ha was creating a deep need inside of him he had never experienced before, or maybe he had, for it was awkwardly similar to feelings he had experienced before, with Yong Ha close by. Maybe he just hadn't known then.

Leaving one last kiss on Yong Ha's digit he tugged violently at his wrist and was rewarded with a seriously confused Yong Ha limply falling right into his arms and lap. Luckily Yong Ha had removed his gat or it could have been dangerous, Jae Shin thought for a second, until the delirious sensation of Yong Ha's heat and body weighed on him. The silk in Yong Ha's clothing rustled innocently against Jae Shin and before Yong Ha had the chance to struggle Jae Shin had wrapped his arm around his waist and tugged him even closer nestling his mouth in the crook of Yong Ha's neck. Jae Shin breathed in and with the chilly night air came the warm lingering scent of Yong Ha, part soothing, part exciting.

Yes, now he was sure. This was what he should have done all along, and then, as if he suddenly remembered it, the words Yong Ha had told him so long ago and that he had held in his heart ever since spilled from his mouth by themselves, as a whisper into Yong Ha's ear.

**“If being alive is worth no more than death, then what am I to you who’s by your side?”**

\---

These words did not hang in the air with the moisture nor did they linger as a thin mist between the two now sharing such an intimate embrace. These words were like a spear forcefully thrown right into Yong Ha's guts and he immediately knew where they were from and what they meant. Yet, he couldn't believe it. This had to be some elaborate twisted scheme, some devious plan that Jae Shin had formed to...yes, to do what? Yong Ha's brilliant mind was empty. What could Jae Shin possibly gain by doing this? Unless...  
He rampant mind never got any further for Jae Shin suddenly let his lips touch the edge of Yong Ha's ear sending a shiver right down his spine and unwittingly Yong Ha's hand, that had come up to brace against Jae Shin's chest, grasped the fabric there, crinkling it in a desperate grip as he closed his eyes and breathed in that slightly damp, familiar smell.

He could feel how Jae Shin was enhancing his firm grasp on his waist and how those plushy lips pressed into his neck and Yong Ha thought that nothing, nothing he could ever have imagined came even close to this display of affection that Jae Shin was now showing him. He was drowning in an elusive dream that must be a figment of his drunk mind, for nothing, nothing he could ever imagine could make Moon Jae Shin behave like this.

“Yong Ha...” Jae Shin whispering his name so close to his ear was so sweet and the heat from Jae Shin's hands were scolding Yong Ha thought the layers of silk he as wearing. It was so sweet it had to be a dream. Yes, nothing of this is real. Moon Jae Shin would never do something like this...

...and within an instant Yong Ha was brutally sober...and struggling, pushing hard against Jae Shin to let some distance in between them. Jae Shin's grip was firm but as he must have felt Yong Ha's rejection he disappointedly let go, letting Yong Ha move away from the heat they had created within those few short moments.

“Why are you doing this?” Defying his body's need to stay in the warm seductive embrace,Yong Ha narrowed his eyes as he waited for the answer, feeling Jae Shin's heat cooling on his flushed skin. He really didn't want to hear it for he feared the heartache, but his entire body demanded it, his blood coursing through it like it was on fire, warming every part of his previously icy interior.

He waited for several minutes but Jae Shin just looked at him with that strange look in his eyes, as if he didn’t' know what to say or as if he knew what to say just not how to say it. Every second filled Yong Ha's heart with more dread until he, with a shaky voice, had to say what he was thinking himself, although the thought was heart wrenching and unashamedly filled his eyes with tears.  
“Are you...making fun of me?”

Jae Shin didn't make a move but something changed immediately in his eyes and he opened his mouth as if to speak but Yong Ha in his pain beat him to it.

“Throwing my words back at me and acting like this, are you making fun of me and the lov...” as if catching himself before revealing too much, Yong Ha let his hurt and angry words fade out to silence before he would say something that would ultimately give him away, his tears now falling free over his still flushed cheeks.

\---

Yet no matter how much Yong Ha had tried to not speak those last words, Jae Shin had heard them. They were there right in front of him, in the tears that now flowed freely from Yong Ha's eyes. They were there right in Jae Shin's heart fluttering like a flock of moths beating against a light. It's all so clear, Jae Shin thought, then why do we make it so hard.

“Yong Ha...Gu. Yong. Ha.” Jae Shin was not a man of many words yet he knew he had to speak and what he said surprised even him in their honesty and quantity.  
“Have you any idea of what you are to me? Do you know what I felt finding you in that alley, when I thought you were dead...?” Jae Shin's thoughts flew back to the image that was forever burnt into his memory and he shivered slightly.  
“I thought...I was going...I thought I had died too...I thought my heart had stopped and that it would never start again.” He tapped his open hand over his heart as if to reinforce the words.  
“my heart stopped with yours...and not until I heard you breath did it start again...” Jae Shin's hand formed into a clamped fist over his chest as he remembered the feeling of utter loss he had felt then.  
“..and when my heart had started again it was filled of you...only you...” and then to Jae Shin's utter surprise large tears rolled over his cheeks, hitting the balled fist over his heart.  
“The thought of you giving your life for me, the thought of losing you forever, made me realise how much you...not only as friends...more than that...I..” more he couldn't say for he as now crying to hard to make sense. Instead he covered his face in his hands and let all his unshed tears fall leaving the last words as a sad plea vibrating in the solemn night.  
“Please don't...say those words again. Please don't ever leave me, again...”

\---

Yong Ha felt as if Jae Shin had punched him hard, just like that time at the lake, for the air went right out of him as he was listening to Jae Shin's calm yet life changing words. It was the single most revealing and painful experience he had ever had. The image of Jae Shin with tears streaming down his face as he revealed what had been in his heart all this time made Yong Ha understand that he had never considered what Jae Shin would think of his sacrifice. All this time he had just focused on his own pain and denial and forgotten the rest. He had completely forgotten the most important thing.

“Jae Shin...I'm...” Yong Ha brought his hands up around Jae Shin's and gentle pushed them away from his face. Jae Shin looked down as if embarrassed but Yong Ha put his cool hands on Jae Shin's cheeks and gently making him look at Yong Ha, wiped the tears with his thumb. It was a revelation to know how much he meant to Jae Shin, and even though it couldn't be _that_ kind of love it was still love and Yong Ha felt that maybe that should be enough, especially as he saw Jae Shins tears tracing paths on his skin.  
He shouldn't be too greedy or h might lose everything, and with that final thought he lowered his hands from Jae Shin's face and placed them in his lap, before Jae Shin could customarily throw them off.  
With Jae Shin's tears still throbbing on his digits he looked at Jae Shin and said the words that he thought would comfort him but also made his heart bleed for himself, but just a little this time, for now he had realised that before his own ego there was someone else much more important, and for him he would do anything.  
“Forgive me...I didn't know...I really didn't...Please don't cry...please...no matter what I am to you...I will always be here for you, always...I am your best friend, remember?”

\---

Best friend...

The two words stood out starkly from all the other words Yong Ha had said and Jae Shin realised with a start that his clumsy confession had gone completely unnoticed. The usually clever and brilliant Yong Ha had not understood him at all.

“Yong Ha...that's not what I...” Suddenly his immediate sadness gave way to slight frustration. How would he reach Yong Ha, how could Moon Jae Shin, who had no experience in these type of things, show how much Yong Ha really meant to him, since words seemed to have failed him? He looked at Yong Ha who now had a small, sad smile on his lips and then it struck him. Maybe Moon Jae Shin wasn't made for words but action instead. Yes, he should just follow his instincts instead of hiding behind words, and there was something he had been dying to do for a long, long time now.

So for the first time in his life Moon Jae Shin raised his hands and voluntarily touched Yong Ha with no other intention than pure tenderness.

Tentatively putting his fingers on Yong Ha's cheek he felt its softness and suppleness and tracing the path of Yong Ha's shed tears he reached his mouth, all the while Yong Ha just sat there with a confused look in his black eyes, letting him. Yong Ha's mouth was just as plump and soft as he remembered it and softly caressing it he couldn't understand why he hadn't done this sooner. He lowered his fingers and slowly, slowly he leant in on Yong Ha's face never letting go of Yong Ha's eyes, until they were so close their breaths mingled in the chilly air. He remembered another time and place when they had been this close, close enough to feel the warmth from their skin radiate and blend, just like this. Then too, this sweet need had been there, he just hadn't know what it meant and therefore he had retracted that time with a clever remark. This time, however, he knew, he saw it so clearly, felt it so acutely.

Jae Shin hesitated for a split second and then, with is heart hammering away in his chest, he breached that last insurmountable distance that he had kept himself from for so long and gently let his lips linger on Yong Ha's, ever so softly.  
Moon Jae Shin's first real kiss was nothing like he had ever imagined nor was it like the time he had kissed a sleeping Yong Ha. It was a softness that yielded, yet a firmness that demanded much more. It was the sweetness of Yong Ha and the saltiness of his tears. It was tormentingly breathtaking and Jae Shin closed his eyes to savour the taste that he now knew he would never be able to live without, from now on.

It took several seconds before he could feel Yong Ha react. He must have been to shocked, Jae Shin mused, as he took advantage of Yong Ha's loud gasping to deepen the kiss. Jae Shin's hands had their own life as he tentatively let the tip of his tongue touch Yong Ha's. One went to grasp Yong Ha's bare neck feeling his hair tease Jae Shin's fingertips, while the other came around Yong Ha's waist until he had his entire arm wrapped around that lithe body. And as he could finally feel Yong Ha's tongue hesitantly meeting his, he pulled him into his lap with such force that Yong Ha again gasped out. Jae Shin was quick to take advantage and as he sucked in Yong Ha's sweet breath he could hear a soft moan but he didn't know if it was his or Yong Ha's nor did he care for he had found what he had been looking for for all his life. This, this kiss, this man in his arms, this night, and to hell with the rest.

For minutes all that existed was them and their now almost eager need for more. Yong Ha, now pulled from his first shock was just as innocently willing as Jae Shin to have a taste of what had been denied them for so long, his hands coming up to carefully grab Jae Shin's collar, drawing him closer, but avoiding to touch Jae Shin's bare skin, as if he almost didn't dare to, and Jae Shin found it most displeasing for he wanted Yong Ha's touch, oh, how he wanted it. The blood that was now surging inside him, pressing through his veins by his wildly beating heart, was heating him to an almost unbearable degree and the closeness of Yong Ha was making him shiver ever so slightly, demanding Yong Ha's touch.

Leaving a small kiss on the edge of Yong Ha's mouth, he broke off to suck in some breath in his deprived lungs but let his lips linger only centimeters from the mouth that he would by all means return to as soon as he could breath again. Yong Ha's ebony black eyes fluttered open and Jae Shin's heart skipped a beat when he saw what was in them. Had anyone asked him to describe it in words they would have faltered him, all he knew was the effect that look had on his body, as if he was slowly lighting up in a sheer glow filling his entire being with a peace and calm he had never experienced. Yet it was also a demand, a secret request for something he had yet to discover. Moon Jae Shin found he wanted that discovery, oh, how he wanted it.

Jae Shin' heart was still beating hard against his ribs and wanting Yong Ha to know the effect he had on him he removed his grip from Yong Ha's neck and gently grabbed his hand, now clamping down on his collar, and grabbing it and sliding it underneath his vest he put Yong Ha's hand on the naked skin over his heart. The gesture made them both suck in their breaths at its intimacy and what had started as an innocent way to show Yong Ha's effect on him turned into something else when Yong Ha let his hand smooth over Jae Shin's skin in a feathery touch that managed in a very short time to both draw involuntary moans from Jae Shin and harden his nipples to small pebbles. Jae Shin was surprised at himself for his sensitivity but it seemed as if Yong Ha's hands were a catalyst for his heated skin, everywhere he touched with those long slender fingers seemed to burn and the more Yong Ha touched, the more Jae Shin wanted.

Seeking Yong Ha's lips again in a heated kiss, Jae Shin thought he would never get enough. He wanted to feel more of Yong Ha, press him harder to him, as if to absorb his very self. Yong Ha's touches were driving him and as Yong Ha brushed past his hardened nipples it was almost too much. Jae Shin grabbed Yong Ha's shoulder and waist and drew him in for a kiss that threatened to draw the very life out of Moon Jae Shin, squeezing Yong Ha to his hard chest. It wasn't until he heard Yong Ha give out a muffled cry of pain that he realised he had grabbed Yong Ha by his injured shoulder, right over the scar.

Horrified by his own brutishness and causing Yong Ha pain he let him go immediately, breaking off their kiss.  
“Yong Ha...I am so sor...Forgive me...So, so sorry...”

\---

As Yong Ha watched Jae Shin's frantic apologies, with those smouldering eyes, pink cheeks and those plushy lips still wet from their kisses, he laughed out loud in joy, yet stopped immediately as the pain made him wince. Jae Shin was so incredibly strong and his grip had been right over Yong Ha's aching scar.

“I am fine...I am fine...really...” Yong Ha really felt fine, no more than that, he felt incredible and he silently cursed his scar that had interrupted the most interesting part of their intimate liaison. Yet the tender look in Jae Shin's eyes were worth all the pain and discomfort, and his voice when he spoke made Yong Ha's heart glow in sweetness. He couldn't really believe that the last wish he had had under the rain of stars had actually come true, but did it really matter? He was still alive, Jae Shin was here and maybe that was all they needed...maybe the time for thinking had passed and now was the time for something else.

“Does it still hurt?” Yong Ha would have answered no straight away if it hadn't been for the tormented look in Jae Shin's eyes and Yong Ha understood that Jae Shin was remembering that night, and the arrow.

“Yes, sometimes...when it rains...but it is a good pain, for it tells me I am alive...” Yong Ha didn't know where those last words came from but they seemed to fit this moment so well, for it was so true. Never had he wished more to be alive than in this moment.

“Would you let me...see...it?” The words were almost shy and if someone else would have asked Yong Ha would have thought it would be a morbid fascination yet Jae Shin’s words and the way he said them made it sound as an intimate display reserved for only those closest to you. It made Yong Ha blush furiously.  
With burning cheeks he nodded silently and brought his hands up to untie the knots of his vest but Jae Shin gently pushed his hands aside and with simmering eyes, as if he a was about to cry, let his action be known.  
“Let me...please...”

Jae Shin delicately and immaculately untied Yong Ha's ribbons so slowly that Yong Ha thought he would go deliriously insane. Untying and revealing layer after layer and that seductive swoosh of silk gliding against silk, made Yong Ha curse in his mind to why he had chosen to wear so many layers this particular night but as Jae Shin reached the final layer of white, carefully moving it to the side, and the chilly night air hit Yong Ha's flushed skin he almost wished he had worn more layers. For the look in Jae Shin's face was like a child opening a gift and finally getting to the center. It was beautiful, mesmerising and most adorable and it made Yong Ha feel strangely shy.

Slowly letting the fabric glide over Yong Ha's shoulder with a rustle, Jae Shin finally got his first look at the scar that had not only saved his life but also changed it forever, undoubtedly, and Yong Ha braced up.

The look in Jae Shin's eyes told Yong Ha that it was much uglier than Jae Shin thought it would be, a rough and angrily red, puckered crater in the flawless skin right above Yong Ha's heart. Yong Ha could hear Jae Shin,not being able to hold it back, letting out a small choked sound as if he could once again see the blood and that vicious arrow sticking out from it. The sound made Yong Ha's guts twist in knots afraid that Jae Shin would find him too ugly now. Instead of turning away in disgust, Jae Shin brought his fingers up to touch it and Yong Ha could hear himself breath in sharply, surprised at Jae Shin's touch, as Jae Shin let his fingers trace the edge of the scar. For a second Jae Shin froze, afraid that he had hurt Yong Ha seriously.

“It's...it doesn’t hurt...” Yong Ha wanted so badly to let Jae Shin know, for he was afraid he would stop, and as Jae Shin looked up with a startled look in his eyes, he could see the confirmation in Yong Ha's. Jae Shin, assured, went back to his inspection and after tracing the shape and the surrounding skin for several minutes he surprised Yong Ha, and probably even himself, by leaning in and placing a gentle kiss on that ugly scar, as if his very love would heal it and make it smooth again. Yong Ha could almost hear Jae Shin's silent thoughts, that if Jae Shin had had any choice in the matter he would never have let Yong Ha be scarred like this for him. It was such a tender thought and gesture that Yong Ha smiled.

Yong Ha could still remember broken pieces of that time, but undoubtedly not as much as Jae Shin, and the thought of all the horror Jae Shin must have gone through for him made Yong Ha's eyes fill again. To his alarm he was not the only one crying for as Jae Shin's continued tracing small kisses his tears wetted both his own cheeks and Yong Ha's skin. Yong Ha feeling a deep need to comfort Jae Shin brought his hands up to softly caress his rain damp unruly hair, however as Jae Shin left his scar for the surrounding skin Yong Ha couldn't help find it temptingly arousing and bit his underlip to not moan out loud but as Jae Shin got closer and closer to Yong Ha's throat, his confines didn't help anymore and the moans that had been in check spilled over his mouth as his hand grabbed Jae Shin's hair in an unwittingly harder grip.

If Yong Ha had been afraid this time that Jae Shin would stop he was worrying needlessly, for as soon as Jae Shin heard Yong Ha's moans and reached Yong Ha's jaw in his exploration of that exposed skin, he didn't stop but daringly continued urged on by Yong Ha's almost painful grip on his hair, until he reached Yong Ha's mouth where he continued to show Yong Ha how much he really meant to him by kissing him completely senseless in a fashion that was most unbecoming someone who had never kissed before. Not that Yong Ha was complaining, he was to busy to reciprocate to think, or breath for that matter.

Yes, Yong Ha's shoulder still hurt when it rained. It probably always would.  
But it didn't matter anymore for now there was someone that would always, always be there to kiss away the pain.

Rather, from this day forward, Yong Ha started to look forward to the next rain, and as soon as it would start to drizzle he would give Jae Shin that look, just to see him blush most adorably and then give Yong Ha a smile that would make all humidity in the air dry up within seconds. Then they would sneak off somewhere to share their very own secluded secret in a most delectable way.

 

_Yes,  
when you have given all your love,  
and when someone has accepted that love,  
that is not the end._

_That is the beginning  
of something, something wonderful._

_The true gift is not giving  
nor taking_

_it is sharing,  
and this, can never die._


End file.
